Beast Duels

Top Ten Stand-Up Comedy Albums, 2011 Edition

2012-01-15T03:46:00.001-05:00

I guess this list is a week or so late, but whatevsos. Top 10 list, here we go.

10. Doug Benson - Potty Mouth

Doug Benson smokes a lot of weed. Recorded on April 20th, Benson's fourth album comprises stories about CNN, movies, television and twitter -- all through the dry, red eyes of a pothead. I guess he's kind of like John Howard Griffin in that way. Bonus: the CD comes with all six episodes of The Benson Interruption that aired on Comedy Central.

9. Wyatt Cenac - Comedy Person

Wyatt Cenac, know by many as The Daily Shows expert in all things black, makes a strong debut stand-up album. Whether discussing how to "hipster hipster" or why not owning a TV makes you a douche, Cenac's record is consistent with the laughs. Though not political per se, he manages to tackle social issues and constructs while sounding way less pretentious than I do by even mentioning it. He also reminds me a lot of my black friend Cir, which is a huge compliment and maybe racist.

8. Brian Regan - All By Myself

Consistently funny, Brian Regan has developed into one of the most prolific of modern day comedians, regularly selling out theater-sized shows. Ashtonishingly, he manages to pull this off with an entirely clean set, void of blue humor and profanity. He doesn't even say cunt like once in the whole album. I think I like that his comedic sensibilities are just like mine.

It must be noted, of course, there is one tragic downside to this album. Whenever I say the title, I end up with that fucking Eric Carmen song stuck in my head for a goddamn hour.

7. Mike Birbiglia - Sleepwalk With Me

Mike Birbiglia is unique among most stand-ups in that he doesn't really tell jokes; his style is more of a raconteur monologist telling painfully personal stories in humorous ways. The NPR This American Life contributor covers his history of bladder cancer, sleep-fighting dream-jackals and nearly hemorrhaging out as a result of it, and his accidental engagement. He also wrote a book of the same name if that's your cup of tea. And if you're reading this, it's not.

6. Marc Maron - This Has To Be Funny

One would think having a breakout podcast propelling you to fame and New York Times pieces might allay some self-loathing, but apparently not. Still "panicky and weird" from the jump, Maron continues to find the humor in neurosis and a crippling sense of self-worth. Whether it be his mother admitting to not being able to love him as an infant or the braintrust behind the creation museum, Maron's fourth comedy record is a definite must-listen. Be sure to also check out his podcast, where he twice weekly talks with comedians and accuses them of being miserable, talentless, joke-stealing hacks.

Completely and totally unrelated, here's a Morgan Murphy video.

Aaaaaaaaaaand back to Maron:

5. Amy Schumer - Cutting

Oddly cute (the first auto-fill that pops up on google when looking for album artwork is "amy schumer hot") yet heinously offensive, Amy Schumer's debut album is very reminiscent of her ex-boyfriend Anthony Jeselnik's Shakespeare (quite possibly the #1 album of last year). In tackling topics ranging from bedding high-schoolers to incredibly uncomfortable eponymous anti-joke, Schumer blah blah blah pseudophilosophical rant about can women be funny. Yes they can, if their jokes were sexually transmitted by Anthony Jeselnik.

Jokes.com

Amy Schumer - Amy Jewmer

comedians.comedycentral.com

Jokes

Joke of the Day

Funny Jokes

4. Doug Stanhope - Oslo/Burning the Bridge to Nowhere

I don't think I'd be breaking new ground to say that Doug Stanhope is the closest we have to a modern-day Bill Hicks. Angry, offensive, and unashamed of his own degenerate tendencies, Stanhope continues to bring the comedy he's infamous for. Even after nine albums, he doesn't show signs of slowing down. In fact, he seems to be speeding up by including a tirade that included fantasizing about torturing and murdering his own audience members. I bet in real life, this dude would be kind of unpleasant to be around.

3. Tig Notaro - Good One

There's someone about Tig Notato where no matter what she says, I laugh my ass off. The title of her album- not even referenced in its content- is an impression she does that is simply a robot replying to people's jokes. She manages to balance story-telling (multiple encounters with a singer who I don't even know named Taylor Dane), observational humor (babies with fat, fat thighs but stupid little one inch feet) to the absurd. For more of the absurd, watch the second half of the video below (along with bonus Paul F. Tompkins appearance in the background)

2. Rory Scovel - Dilation

I don't know where this fucking guy came from, but it's a land of ridiculous hilarity so potent that I might now be sterile. Whether he's talking about driving on mushrooms being like flying a spaceship or making awesomely racist jokes about Precious or fighting Chinese kids (which make me totally guilt-free about laughing about the Precious jokes), this album is absolutely an instant classic. Though I have no idea why he named it what he did.

Here's a clip of him and another comedian Jon Dore on Conan doing one of the most bizarre bits I've ever seen.

1. Louis C. K. - Hilarious

What can be said about Louis that hasn't been said? If Live at the Beacon Theater was a comedy album and not just a video that sold hundreds of thousands of copies within a week, he'd have two items on this list. Louis is this generation's best comedian, and Hilarious is some of his best work. Not only did Louis, a Mexican with an unpronounceable real last name, manage two great comedy specials last year, but also managed to create/write/star in the 2nd season of an Emmy-award nominated TV show. He's like the Orson Welles of dick jokes.

This is one of my favorite Louis bits ever, despite how hypocritical it is because goddamn do I hate everything about being on an airplane.

Two Raccoons vs Three Snapping Turtles

2011-12-31T15:23:00.000-05:00

This duel is courtesy of Nate Kellogg.

The majestic raccoon, of the family Procyonidae and the species lotor is essentially known for two things; being rabid and eating garbage. It's the hobo of the animal kingdom.

Per the American Journal of Psychology, they have the capacity for abstract thought and have been shown to learn at the rate of Rhesus monkeys, which makes them slightly smarter than most of the Firestone graduates I saw at the bar last night.

The snapping turtle, measuring up to 20" in length, is fucked. What is it gonna do to a raccoon, lurch it to death? I know that the moral of that fable was "slow and steady wins the race." You know what moral the hare should've taken away?

Don't be an asshole.

Jesus. How is a turtle even able to attack a raccoon? All it has to do is not put its claws directly in the turtle's face. Then, boom, flip it on its back and it's horsefucked. That shell is supposed to be protective, but how is it gonna flip back before getting eviscerated? It's his Achilles's shell. The only hope the turtles have is to find some mutagen, a sword and nunchuks. Without that, even a bird could beat these helpless bumblefucks.

I don't even think the second raccoon need involve himself. He could just sit back, relax and be voiced by Bruce Willis.

Everyone knows these creatures are an indomitable force of destruction, wreaking physical havoc on our bodies and emotional trauma on our souls, which is why Sylvester Stallone named that boxer after the raccoon in the Beatle's song. And, speaking of, I have to point out that I've heard college girls perform Rocky Raccoon via the artistic medium of the karaoke, and christ has Gideon's Bible never sounded so unappealing. Shrieking wenches.

So congratulations raccoons, you win this duel. May all of my neighbors forget to fasten the lids of their garbage cans so that you can enjoy your victory bounty. And you readery people, send me some Beast Duels suggestions here and I will do them, regardless of quality.

Bin Laden vs. Saddam Hussein

2011-12-29T14:50:00.000-05:00

This week's duel is courtesy of Jake Kellogg.

Osama Bin Laden vs. Saddam Hussein

For the sake of argument, let's say this fight is these guys going head to head while they're in their prime. A real "who would win, Ali or Tyson" type battle but with more killing of infidels. Plus, there's not much sense in doing a modern day fight with these two. A lifeless body with shattered neck vertebrae against a buoyant corpse all bloated with ocean water just seems to be in poor taste, even for me.

So Saddam, early 90s

Versus Osama, sometime in the middle of the year 2001. Can't remember the exact date.

Just looking at the movies these eras inspired should give Saddam an easy victory here. I mean, Three Kings was so good, even Mark Wahlberg isn't horrible in it. Compare that to the Nic Cage World Trade Center movie.

First of all, and I know I'm not breaking any new ground here, but fuck Nic Cage. I know people are worried about CERN and Higgs bosons and shit, but if Cage and M. Night Shayamalan ever collaborate the universe might actually fucking implode.

Second of all, that movie was made in the year 2006. They really only waited five cocking years to exploit that shit? Even Michael Bay waited 70 years to make Pearl Harbor. I mean, what's fucking next? Is Gary Marshall gonna make a movie with Gwenyth Paltrow as Gabrielle Giffords and Ashton Kutcher as that astronaut?

Anyways, I don't really see Osama imposing to much of a physical threat. The guy had been on dialysis since the fucking cold war. All Saddam would have to do is turn the power off at Osama's for a few days and he'd end up getting to fluid-overloaded he'd technically be a beverage. And Hussein just kinda looked like a bad-ass. No one has a mustache like that for that long without knowing how to kill a man using only his hands.

So congrats to Saddam, this week's winner. Hope to see you soon in the Arrested Development movie.

Beast Duels on Joe Paterno

2011-11-10T23:49:00.000-05:00

Topical! And stream of consciousnessy, just for the ferk of it.

Fuck. It actually takes the rape of young boys for Rick Santorum to no longer be the most despicable person in Pennsylvania. Congrats, Jerry Sandusky, for creating a charity for troubled male youths. I'm sure they considered not being anally violated in a shitty college's locker room to be their biggest conflict in life, so I'm glad you were able to help them work through those issues.

At least he didn't call it "Fisted"

Can you believe this book is a real thing? Fucking seriously? And with that finger? Mother fucking Theresa it's like he was bragging about it. He's like the Little Prostate Exam That Could.

<insert Hershey highway joke here. Too hack to bother writing>

It is kind of refreshing to see some sexual assault not being performed by a Red Sox fan.

Remember that time that there was that one organization that covered up all those young boys being raped? There was that big backlash when that one guy was fired? The boss who oversaw it all, I think it was. What was his name... The pope. No wait, he wasn't fired. From what I can tell, sodomy is alright as long as you're using rosary beads for your sex toys.

Look, I know football is retarded, but I generally give people enough credit to realize that winning some college cunting football games is just the teeniest, tiniest skosh little bit less significant than allowing a dozen boys getting Deliveranced by a guy old enough to be Moses' fucking babysitter. 400 wins, Joe Paterno? Fuck off, man. That's only ten wins per alleged sexual assault. Come back to me when you've won at least 500. Shit, Cy Young won over 500 games, he didn't cover up any pedarasts. We better all feel lucky that dude's been dead half a century or he could go on quite the fucking tear.

All that being said, Roman Polanski is a great fucking director.

Speaking of people we shouldn't have been surprised about...

Batman Vs. Superman

2011-10-22T20:43:00.001-04:00

This week's duel is Batman vs. Superman.

I'll do what I can to have batman win here, since he's awesome and Superman is pretty horrible. As a comic book crusader against criminals and all that is evil, the tales of Superman are pretty worthless. It's like talking about who the hottest girl is in your high school, and then one of your friends says "well Katrina Bowden is hotter".

Of course she is you fucking idiot. She's the space alien who is impervious to bullets of hot girls. She's so hot there's not even a point in mentioning her. And that's why Superman is so fucking boring. "Oh, the bad guys have a bunch of guns? Too bad for them, not even guns can kill me." Yeah, it's really fucking exciting to watch someone who's never in any danger. That's why I stopped watching House. I watched the whole first season of people actively seizing and hemorrhaging out their GI tracts but still no one ever died in that goddamn show.

And Superman's villains are awful. Batman has the Joker, Two-Face, The Mad-Hatter... I'll forgive them the abortion that Batman and Robin was. Who could've predicted that an Arnold Schwarzanagger film would be terrible?

Compare that to villains like Lex Luthor. The bad guy is just some billionaire mogul? Shit, in real life when some billionaire bent on capitalist domination at the expense of child labor dies, we hold iPod-light vigils for them at the mall.

We're better off siding with the rich guy instead. Look at Bruce Wayne. That dude could've sat around and slept with supermodels (maybe even Katrina Bowden?) and spent his money on shit like ten-thousand dollar shoes and gold pens. Instead he learned how to kick ass and drives a cooler car than Marty McFly.

Frankly, I know Superman would win in a fight. I don't give a fuck. A world where Superman is the coolest superhero we've got isn't a world I don't want to live in.

On Netflix

2011-10-05T00:09:00.001-04:00

Netflix's technical prowess is pretty impressive. They have literally thousands of movies available to watch instantly. Their technology is so good that watching a movie on instant is actually faster than just getting up from my couch and putting a DVD in. It's really increased my risk of getting a blood clot.

The instant watch feature is so widely used, it accounts for approximately 25% of all internet traffic in North America. That puts it in 2nd place for all causes of internet usage, and the number 1 cause for all internet traffic that doesn't include blonde high school drop-outs thinking that they're now just one lucky break away from starring in a major motion picture.

They're so efficient at streaming video it's actually gotten to the point where if it lags for five seconds, I suffer from an intense rage due to a sense of instant gratification entitlement that I've only known for a year but feel like I've known my whole life. It's actually kind of romantic.

Netflix is so meticulous in their process that they've managed to create genres way beyond what I'd ever felt a need to know of in my life. For twenty-some years I was limited by just a few categories like comedy, drama, horror and movies with those nice blonde girls I was talking about earlier. But now, I have options of genres like "Swedish Serial Killer Movies With a Female Narrator" or "Critically Acclaimed Movies from the 70's That Would Have Received More Commercial Success If DeNiro Had Been in Them, But Are Still Worth a Watch". And each category will have like twenty fucking movies. Which is great, because I'm a big fan of those genres.

That being said, if they're so fucking smart then how come Rock-a-Doodle is in my Top 10 Picks for Nick?

Oh well. I guess it's not like they divided up their instant and DVD services. Or named something "Qwikster".

On Television

2011-09-22T20:18:00.000-04:00

I watched part of Kill Bill (Part I) yesterday on TV. I think it's important that I start off by pointing out that watching a movie being played on TV is like ordering a hot dog instead of steak because you don't want to go through the extra effort of adding "...medium rare". It's just a lazy thing to do. I'm not proud of that decision, but what was I supposed to do... watch commercials?

I changed the channel at the scene when O-Ren Ishii says this:

The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is... I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!

Of course, since it was on TV, what she actually said was

The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is... I collect your <...> head. Just like this sucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the <...> time!

Really? Really. We can't just say fuck on TV? I guess I can understand. It was early on a Saturday evening. No one wants impressionable young children channel surfing being exposed to foul language like that. It's a responsibility of ours-- as Americans-- to protect our young ones.

Oh yeah, did I mention they didn't do anything to edit out the fucking severed head?

Jesus christ. Enough of that. Had to switch back to the Seinfeld commercials. I saw an infomercial for this:

Remember this $50 coin they made out of 24 carat gold? Neither do I, but apparently you can buy them for ten bucks on TV. What a fucking steal.

And by "buy them", of course I mean shoddy replicas with "COPY" written on the Native-American gentleman's head on the other side. Classy.

The commercial ends with the claim that you should purchase this shit to "avoid disappointment and future regret". I'm sorry, but how is buying a fake coin going to help me avoid disappointment? Does it time travel and prevent me from getting a joint bank account with my fiancee a week after we got engaged and a week before she spent more on chapstick than I'm willing to spend on a DVD?

So Kill Bill on TV and commercials both let me down. Time to run though, I'm gonna watch Human Centipede on Turner Classic Movies. I hope they don't do anything horrible in it like say the word shit.

Period Movies

2011-06-19T15:49:00.000-04:00

I was watching Jeopardy recently, and a category came up called Period Movies.

The answers to the questions ended up being things like Year One*. They were NOT films such as the following:

28 Days
28 Days Later
127 Hours
Monster
A River Runs Through It
The Crying Game
Red Dragon
Six Days, Seven Nights
Scent of a Woman
The Sting
Red Dawn
Crimson Tide
Pretty In Pink
Blood Diamond
The Fountain
Trainspotting
The Wrath of Khan
Raging Bull
Very Bad Things
Unstoppable
The Hurt Locker
The Fighter
Malice
True Grit
Snatch
There Will Be Blood
Blood Sport
The Thin Red Line
~~Sense and Sensibility~~
~~Life Is Beautiful~~
Reality Bites
Hot Fuzz
Blood Simple
First Blood
Misery
Anger Management

*seriously? Year One? Year One. That made it onto a Jeopardy episode? This garbage should be bleached out of our entire cultural awareness. If aliens ever come to Earth, they won't hesitate to enslave us because they'll know we're retarded and can't take care of ourselves.

James Bond v. Jason Bourne v. John McClane

2011-06-07T15:14:00.000-04:00

Let me start off by stating that all of the 3 very non-fictional characters in today's duel are unlikely to ever battle one another. They're all technically on the same side; the fight against tyranny, oppression, and villains with either bad accents or bad mustaches.

So, to begin our analysis...

James Bond

Pros:

Gets all the ladies
Drives fancy cars
Is British and shit

Drawbacks: too dependent on flashy gadgets. When he's left without gadgets, he ends up getting his junk smashed repeatedly with soap-on-a-rope by this lazy-eyed dork:

He also has to deal with stupid women with names like Christmas and Pussy. He was also played by this guy (can't even post the picture on this website, out of shame)

Jason Bourne:

Pros:

Knows how far he could run, given a known altitude
Access to a few dozen different passports
I'm pretty sure he ends up owning a surf shop, but I might be thinking of Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption

Drawbacks: His claim to fame is that he's forgotten a bunch of shit. That's not exactly a trait I hold highly for international men of mystery. I've had bouts of retrograde amnesia too; it's called fucking college.

I mean, christ, I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast and I've only been awake a couple hours. Shit, if forgetting stuff makes you just shy of a superhero every senior citizen would be running around in a fucking cape.

John McClane

Pros:

Defeats broken glass merely with his feet
Killed Severus Snape
Coined the following...

Drawbacks: He's basically a regular cop, he's broke with no friends or family, and is kind of an asshole. Or as I like to call it, "he's a cop".

Still, the fact that he has 1) no money 2) no Q to give him gadgets and 3) doesn't have to go to the abortion of a continent that is Europe makes John an easy winner here.

Plus, his daughter looks like this...

...but still managed to be kind of badass in Live Free or Die Hard.

Suit Up!

2011-05-28T23:50:00.002-04:00

This is what happens when I suit up and comb my hair...

Fucking brutal.

Gandhi Vs. Mother Teresa

2011-05-11T12:44:00.000-04:00

The following comes courtesy of the Pulitzer Prize winning (maybe?) book Who Would Win: A Guide to Great Imaginary Showdowns.

Gandhi Vs. Mother Teresa

Gandhi is famous for ~fighting for Indian independence, not eating, and looking uncomfortably like Ben Kingsley. The guy's really an inspiration. I haven't eaten in like six hours and would definitely succumb to imperialists if I found out my microwave didn't work.

Plus, fuck the British. I had to listen to people talk about that fucking wedding for like six months. I went to a wedding last week that only took 20 minutes and I thought that was boring as hell. It's beyond me why any self-respecting human would get up at 3 in the goddamn morning to watch the wedding of a monarchy we don't even subscribe to.

I feel like someone should point out to the British that their hats are ugly.

Christ. Prince William has literally done less to get famous than the fucking Kardashians.

Then there's Mother Teresa. She is a step shy of being canonized after the miracle of curing cancer that 1) probably wasn't even cancer and 2) was being treated medically. Talk about a true divine intervention.

No, I didn't steal this joke from Bill Hicks

She has also helped the poor by keeping them poor but making them Catholic. She's also notable for being against birth control and abortions, which doesn't really matter because no one would fuck her anyway.

So who would win? Probably Mother Teresa. Gandhi wouldn't survive much more than a fierce head-butting. Plus, she has Edward Norton on her side.

"Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger"

Adios,
Nick

Horsies!

2011-05-08T13:15:00.000-04:00

So yesterday was the Kentucky Derby, which I somehow stumbled upon and got to watch the last couple hundred yards from 30 different fucking vantage points. I get it. The horse crossed the finish line first. It's not gonna fucking change when you switch to the aerial view.

The winner of the 2011 Beast Duels-sponsored Kentucky Derby was called Animal Kingdom, which I'm pretty sure was named after an Australian movie with plot holes so gaping I'm pretty sure they fucking bend light.

When the race ended, the interviewed the winning jockey-- which is a horribly named profession. It's bad enough they're all short and squirrely, but their job doesn't need to conjure up images of goddamn tighty whities. So they're interviewing this short cocksucker and they ask him about his racing strategy.

The jockey. No shit.

His strategy?! "Uh, I sat on the horse. And then... kept doing it." Can't wait for the Lifetime story about that dude. It'll be like A Beautiful Mind Part II.

I can't imagine anything more unnecessary than a jockey. It's a horse race. Just let the horses go. They're in narrow lanes, it's not like they're gonna get turned around.

The worst part of the whole Kentucky Derby ordeal was when I realized that that horse's ejaculate was worth more than my fucking brand new car. Brutal.

Literary fan fic

2011-02-28T16:29:00.000-05:00

These are fan-fics of famous literature I want to read:

Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finngerbang
Joyce's U-Lick-these
Nabakov's Blowlita
Heller's Snatch-22
George Orwell's 1969
Dostoevsky's The Brothers Came-amazov
David Foster Wallace's The Infinite Chest
Melville's Black Moby Dick
Remarque's All Quiet on the Western Cunt (and in a similar vein, Carson McCullers' The Heart is a Lonely Cunter)
Margaret Atwood's The Handjob's Tale
Thomas Hardy's Lewd the Obscure
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Poon Hound of the Baskervilles
Flaubert's Madame Ovary
Burgess' A Cockwork Orange
Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
Alabian Nights
Dickens' Great Sexpectations
Hemingway's For Whom the Balls Toll

Feel free to add your own

Chewbacca vs. Five Averagely Strengthed People

2011-02-16T18:52:00.000-05:00

We all know Chewbacca, right? The tall thing who looks vaguely like Bigfoot, but also kinda something from a beef jerky commercial? So let's take Chewbacca (of Star Wars fame) and pit him against some people.

What a wookiee!

Why Chewbacca, you may ask. How about because he's one of the most badass creatures in film history. Want proof? He makes being a wookiee sound fearful. A wookiee. Compare this to that cocktard pussy Russell Brand who ~wrote something and called it My Booky Wook.

Ugh. Seriously? Fuck that grimy British piece of shit. I bet that dude constantly smells like soup. Ooooh, look at me, I slur a lot, look at how charming. Fuck you. The fact that this dickhead gets to tag a chick like Katy Perry is proof that there is a God and he fucking hates all of us.

So like I've shown, since Chewie's so awesome let's have him fight multiple people of moderate strength. I'm talking people who are not quite as tough as, say, a Pierce Brosnan-era James Bond, but still exponentially tougher than the aforementioned Russell Brand. Probably something like any-woman-who's-ever-played-softball tough. Like Demi Moore in GI Jane tough.

CGI is a hell of a drug

Chewbacca vs. 5 Average Strength Humans

This is clearly Chewbacca. I imagine the fight goes a little something like this...

1) Subdues person A
2) Rips one of their limbs off
3) Proceeds to beat person B, C, D, and E to death with it

Using this method, the number of people he could beat is essentially infinity. He'd be like the digits-in-Pi of mayhem. The David Foster Wallace's Jest of killing.

Basically, he'd be like a coprophiliac in zero gravity: he would fuck that shit up.

Peace
--NLF

Not a duel: Gun Rant

2011-02-11T13:53:00.006-05:00

Since there aren't enough duels in the world to conduct, and since I need to rant so much that not even the idiots in real life and professional retards I'm friends with on Facebook can satiate me, I'm going to expand the Beast Duels blog a bit.

So let's get started with...

Gun Rant

You know the NRA phrase "guns don't kill people, people kill people"?

How are the cocktards who say this not being called out on their bullshit?

People don't kill people, they can barely hurt each other for fuck's sake. When's the last time you heard of a liquor store being robbed by someone armed merely with a roundhouse? Or this headline...

In Baltimore today, more gang-related turf battles leave three gang members and two civilians dead after a drive-by Judo chopping.

If movies have taught me anything (and with the amount I've seen, how could they not), the only way to kill someone with your hands is by putting a pillow over their face for thirty seconds. I'm skeptical as to whether that shit is real though-- otherwise, I think that would mean that falling asleep on your stomach is technically attempted suicide. Aside from that, hands are just tools for pulling triggers and something about sex.

Speaking of suicide, Reason #26 I don't think I could ever be a cop: If I found a dead guy guy with a pistol in hand, gaping hole out of the back of his skull and a note that said "I'm so sick and tired of this world I'm living in", I'd definitely be the asshole to point out that moron shouldn't end sentences with prepositions.

Possum Vs. Possum-sized Cat

2010-11-27T23:43:00.004-05:00

This here duel done come from Justin.

That was my southern accent, because he lives in Texas now, and I think the possum's main function in life is being hillbilly food.

I'm not sure why he thought this merited even asking. A cat is basically a tiny version of a lion (check the latin name, fuckbrains).

Compare that to a possum, which is basically an O-less version of an opossum. And christ, c'mon, it's not like the expression is "playing cat". The only thing possums are even known for is being a gigantic, gaping vagina when it comes to confrontation. Except the big one; I call him Bitey.

Compare this to cats-- 9 lives and only killed by beauty. Or curiosity. I always get cats and King Kong confused because they're so fucking badass. And-- if science has taught me anything-- prehensile hands.

So congratulations cats. May no one ever call you a pussy again.

Octopus vs. Crocodile

2010-11-14T21:32:00.004-05:00

This duel comes from Natasha's brother's class. And when she said brother, I hope he's in like fucking kindergarten, because no class of a postpubescent age should be dumb enough to think this is even close.

Have you ever seen a crocodile? Sure, they terrorize New York City toilets or something, but christ, they're only like a feet high. They're not like Lake Placcid alligators or some shit. But octopi are such fucking beasts the pleural of their name doesn't even allow the risk of calling them (octo)pussies. And c'mon, the movie wasn't called Megashark vs. Giant Crocodile.

Why is this a question? Do people even fucking read 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea anymore? Motherfucking Jules Verne! That might actually have been a squid, but what's the fucking difference anyway.

Aliens

2010-01-05T16:42:00.005-05:00

With films like District 9, Avatar, and that movie that cast Sandra Bullock as the romantic lead, 2009 was a great year for humanoid aliens in cinema. But which aliens reign supreme? And thus we have our first Beast Duel of 2010.

"Prawns" vs. the "NA'Vi"
I've decided to discount Sandra Bullock in this argument, as I'm fairly certain that making eye contact with her turns you to stone, and that kind of goes against the spirit of the competition.

Anyways, this battle isn't really about who would win out of giant smurfs with arrows versus jumbo shrimps with lasers. If you look deeper into the metaphors of the films (and thanks for not shoving them down our throats, James Cameron and dude-from-South-Africa), it's really about people of the slums versus tree-hugging hippie douchebags.

It's a pretty obvious winner here. I think I could probably take out an entire Phish concert with a single blow, but I've driven through Detroit once in my life and you're high as hell if you think I'm ever going to that piece of shit excuse for a city again without full-body Kevlar. That place makes the opening 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan look like someone held a Christmas party on a rainbow.

So congrats Prawns, you win. I mean, if you consider having to live in the bad part of South Africa winning.

Sam Jackson, eat your heart out

2009-10-28T18:01:00.005-04:00

This is just awesome:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8327213.stm?ls

In the most ridiculous attempt at life-imitates-art, a dude straps a dozen snakes to his body and boards an airplane.

This shit is like the beginning of that Indiana Jones movie.

Of course, his complete lack of running-a-terrorist-organization and trying-to-kill-the-sole-witness-in-the-trial-to-convict-you-of-murder makes him a lot less badass that Hawaiian dude in Snakes on a Plane.

Somewhere, Christina Ricci is just glad this dude didn't want to recreate Black Snake Moan. And considering how fucking retarded that movie looked, so am I.

Til next time,
NF

An Open Letter to President Barack Obama, Courtesy of Beast Duels

2009-10-15T22:09:00.003-04:00

Hello,

I am here today not as the god and master of all that is Beast-Dueling, but as a concerned American citizen.

President Obama, there are some events in our nation's recent history that still have not been properly handled. Horrifying and gruesome events that still leave Americans upset and on edge. A tragedy that, even when unspoken of, still lingers in the back of our minds.

I remember when I first witnessed it like it was yesterday. The traumatic event is still crisp in my mind, as I am sure it is in everyone's. I recall turning on the television and reeling in horror. Why would anyone do this? I am aware that the perception of America by other nations around the world is of a country full of greed and corruption; a society of idle godless heathens willing to tear down weaker countries just to save a few cents per gallon of gas. But what had we done to deserve this?

And yet, so little has been done since that time. So little has been done to find the true culprits and bring them to justice. Many feel that something far more sinister than even meets the eye may have occurred, as conspiracy theorists are want to suggest. But I have more faith than that. I believe in America.

But, Mr. President, there is no denying that far too little has been done to right the injustices that we have suffered as Americans-- nay, as human beings. Some say "never forget," but I for one would like to have the issue settled and put to rest so that I may at last reach peace and perhaps be able to forget, even if for a moment.

President Obama, you were elected on a platform of change; Yes We Can was the battle cry of millions a short few months ago. So why are we still waiting?

I ask you, beg you, Mr. President, we need and demand change. If you spoke the truth, if your favorite film really is The Godfather, then why have you not erased all available records of The Godfather Part III from ever existing? Seriously, that movie sucks giant fucking dick.

A faithful American citizen who still has hope,
NF

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

2009-10-15T21:50:00.005-04:00

No time to fuck around people, let's get right to it:

Man vs. Jellyfish

You all know jellyfish, right?

They look pretty harmless and lame, but supposedly they can pack a ridiculous poison. Either that or that slutty girl I met just had me piss on her for fun. Also, how do you get stung by a jellyfish when you're hanging out behind a Denny's?

Anyways. Remember the movie Sphere? That wonderful thinkpiece with Samuel L Jackson and Sharon Stone? Yeah, it was awful, but at least it had Queen Latifah getting mauled by a few hundred jellyfish.

But aside from a magical giant circle from space, that movie was mostly fiction. Can a jellyfish really kill a person?

I'm going to say yes, and here's why. How the fuck do you kill a jellyfish? At first I was thinking you could dry it out by pouring salt on it like a snail, but christ, it lives in fucking salt water. What else would you do, punch it? That'd be like punching a marshmallow. Marshmallows cannot be killed. Shit, you can even put some peeps in the microwave and they're just encouraged to fight it out.

Fuck that. I mean, some types of jellyfish are called man o' wars. Man himself isn't even named that. They just fucking one-up us in title alone.

I'm staying out of jellyfishes way. Because they might kill me and that'd suck, but the worst part would be dying at the hands of something that was named after part of a sandwich.

Later bitches,
NF

Rocky XIV

2009-09-29T21:34:00.007-04:00

So I've been doing surgery for the last two months, and the constant sight of blood and guts has made me pretty tranquil. I'd reached some kind of zen-like docility just taking in all of the controlled violence of the ORs. That was ruined today when the radio in one of the rooms played a fucking Sugar Ray song and now I wanna fucking kill someone.

Anyways, I now bring you a Beast Duel recommended ages ago by Jake:

Sylvester Stallone vs. a Gorilla

Of course, when looking at Stallone, it depends on what Stallone you're getting. I mean, with Rocky he really set a precedent that someone who is basically retarded can succeed in an athletic endeavor, and there have been a number of examples since then.

And then there are films like Over the Top, which in my opinion is definitely in the top three arm-wrestling films of all time. Just fantastic work. He also was superb Daylight, where he showed that when you're stuck in a tunnel with Sly, you're not fucking stuck at all. The walls of that bitch were just waiting to crumble underneath his holy grip.

Then there was horseshit like Rocky Balboa, where the character Rocky, a useless, has-been boxer tries to prove to the world that he still has a semblance of worth. Unfortunately, it was played by Sylvester Stallone, a useless, has-been actor trying to prove to the world he still had a semblance of worth.*

So we take an amalgam of these characters and have it go up against a gorrila. I'm thinking somewhere between this:

and this**

So if we take the fucking horrible Peter Jackson version out of the equation, I think gorilla is a clear winner. I mean, I know it's impressive that Rocky Balboa can occasionally win a boxing match, but for fuck's sake, he's never torn down buildings before.

So congratulations gorilla, you deserve it. And I really hope Jake didn't mean "guerillas" or I'm gonna feel pretty stupid for not mentioning First Blood.

Later bitches,
NF

*stole this joke
** or this

Asian Children

2009-07-03T04:21:00.003-04:00

Hey there. It's been a while and I kind of forget how to do this, so let's just jump right in.

So this Jon and Kate Plus 8 bullshit is really getting out of hand. I went grocery shopping tonight and every tabloid newspaper is so deeply engorged into that dumb slut's junk that they're one Kegel away from being her ninth fucking child.

I'm honestly pretty appalled by this woman. Not because she's a psycho hose beast; I mean, I've never even seen that stupid show. I'm a busy man who has better shows to spend his time on. And I could give a shit that these two are getting a divorce or that Jon banged some 19 year old co-ed on Kate's birthday. That's their fucking business.

No, what's disgusting is that this woman has had eight motherfucking children. Jesus Christ, I don't even have to think about theology anymore because I know that when I finally die and go to hell, I'm just going to that stupid house with all those whiny little critters running around.

Eight children. What the fuck. One time in little league our team won a game with 6 players on the field. She's had more kids fall out of her than I had on my fucking baseball team.

Why would you even want that many kids? Unless they're making Air fucking Jordans in the rec room there is absolutely no reason for that many Asian kids to be under the same roof.

Also, I've heard that Jon is only half Asian, but I've seen those kids and they're definitely full Asian, which can really only mean one thing: Kate cheated on Jon with a 200% Asian man. I'm pretty positive that has to mean that...

...Bruce Lee returned from the grave just to fertilize that bitch. Gangsta shit.

Either way though, I would never, ever, ever watch this show, even if there are 8 little half-Lees running around. There is pretty much only one way I would ever watch this garbage...

JON AND KATE VS. EIGHT

Yeah, that's right. Jon and Kate versus their half-bitch-half-Lee spawn in a fight to the death.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking that I believe in strength in numbers. I believe in Bruce Lee. And you're right. But if you think that I really believe that 8 children could defeat two grown adults in a fight to the death than you're fucking retarded.

They're children. They cry if you tell them they can't have ice cream. I'm pretty sure they're not going to be able to kill their parents for fuck's sake.

See you soon,
NF

Vick

2009-05-20T08:35:00.001-04:00

Michael Vick's out of prison. The Beast Duels hiatus is over.

Polar Bear

2009-04-16T13:18:00.012-04:00

Well I was going to go with Natasha's suggestion of Moose vs. Waterbuffalo, but I'm pretty sure a water buffalo isn't a real animal. Buffalo can barely survive on the plains, I don't think they'd handle living in the ocean very well.

So fortunately for you readers, there's been a pretty awesome breakthrough in the news. I guess in some European country called Berlin, a fat woman* decided to jump the fence into the polar bear's area where she was bitten several times on the arms and legs.

Now, there are a few things I feel the need to point out.

First of all, they're in fucking Berlin and all they have is a fence keeping her out? Isn't the entire city just a giant goddamn wall? I honestly know zero other things about Berlin. Maybe they have a good football team or something, I don't really give a shit. But for chrissake, if you're a nation that is clearly full of people with psychotic tendencies, you should probably have something separating them from thousand pound carnivores that I couldn't have jumped over when I was eight.

Okay, secondly, didn't this bitch see when Will Ferrell goes in the bear pit in Anchorman? I mean, I know the movie wasn't funny at all unless you were really, really high. Or are retarded or something. I swear to christ, every time the word trident is ever brought up some asshole recites half of the fucking script. I'd kill myself if I ever took a Greek mythology class.

So I tried to find the youtube clip from that scene, and I couldn't do it. But I found this instead.

Seriously, Will Ferrell? Are there that few jokes out that you have to put a bear in every one of your fucking movies? I never saw that piece of shit Semi-Pro, but I'm honestly shocked that anyone would go through the trouble of hiring a bear just to recycle a shitty joke. Land of the Lost will probably have prehistoric bears in it too. Goddamn.

But I digress. Back to that tubby bitch from the zoo. I think the Two Jacks in the Hole said it best when they said that the real people to blame here is the Coca-Cola company.

Yeah, "always cool". Motherfuckers, polar bears eviscerate people. Not everything's all cuddles and playtime. I mean, sometimes polar bears need a buddy just like anyone else.

Fucking adorable right? That shit should be made into a poster and FedExed to the Middle East.

But sometimes they get hungry or mad that fat chicks are trying to crash in their zoo-pad. Then what happens?

Yeah, carnage happens motherfuckers. They shoulda just let that fat sloppy bitch defend for herself. They probably would've saved hundreds of dollars on fish or fucking seal meat over the next week.

I'm just glad nothing happened to the bear. He coulda gotten fucked by the 5-0 like that monkey with Lyme disease.

So cheers to you bear. You've done something I've always wanted to do: kick the shit out of a fat woman.

Til next time,
Nick

*eeeew

Penguin v. turtle, Dinosaur Jr.

2009-04-09T03:04:00.008-04:00

So I just saw Dinosaur Jr. play at Musica in Akron and my ears are still ringing. A couple brief duels:

Dinosaur Jr vs. the hair cells of my Organ of Corti: Dinosaur Jr. Not close. I'll never hear the same again.

Dinosaur Jr vs. electricity: for a brief five minutes, Dinosaur Jr. managed to defeat everything that Ben Franklin taught us about electricity by defeating it with J Mascis' face-melting guitar solos.

These guys are fucking ridiculous. They've been a band longer than I've been alive. They're old enough to be my parents for chrissake. They shouldn't kick as much ass as they do, but they do it. If you wanna see them covering one of the greatest songs since Bach wrote something that only 80 year olds give a shit about, click here. Disagree at your own peril.

Anyways, after the show we got a crew together at the bar and I brought up the following question to Justin (courtesy of Natasha, balla in the worlds of both poetry and being a spicy little Puerto Rican chica):

What would win in a fight, a turtle or a penguin?

Already knowing the answer, and knowing Justin, I just waited for the ridiculousness to flow. As always, he did not disappoint. He's seriously like the fucking M "Night" Shyamalan of Beast Dueling. After fumbling his words for a little bit, I laid it out simply for him: how the fuck is a turtle gonna beat a penguin?

"But how is a penguin gonna beat a turtle?" you might be thinking. Or you might not, if you have enough brain capacity to, you know, feed and clothe yourself. Or if you're Justin.

Seriously, I hope this guy never procreates, because I'll probably end up being the motherfucker who has to raise the poor little critters. And goddamn do I hate babies. They're disgusting. They're like the same thing as senile old people, only not racist. Or maybe they are, and if they were smart enough to talk they'd say shit like "I think that colored nurse just stole my formula." But they're not smart enough to talk, which is why they're still babies.

Anyways, long and short of it*, I think the fight goes a little something like this:

Penguin goes for a face stab
Turtle retreats its head into its shell like a little pussy
Penguin does some cute shit like build a snowman or something
Turtle pops its head back out
Penguin goes for another face stab
Turtle recoils into its shell, awaiting its fate of being a soup or the subject of the most boring chapter in the history of American literature.
Turtle starves to death
Victory: Penguin.

I mean, what the fuck, turtle. Have some self-respect. Four of the awesomest ninjas ever were your ilk

Wait. That's not right.

Okay, better.

Seriously Yertle. Man the fuck up. That shell isn't for hiding in like a little bitch. It's so you don't die when someone steps on you, or so that you can be turned upside-down and flail around for my amusement. I mean, christ, I just implied that this thing would have no problem destroying you:

Sure, it might beat you in a Being-Adorable-And-Super-Fuzzy Contest and you can't help that. But if it beats you in a battle to the death, that's your own goddamn fault. At least Justin has faith in you.

I'm tired. I gotta go save lives all day tomorrow**
Later bitches,
--Nick

*what the fuck does that saying mean?
**that's right, ladies

Some Spring Cleaning

2009-04-03T01:32:00.012-04:00

No duel today, I'm just going to tie up some loose ends.

First of all, I'm gonna point out that you can now follow Beast Duels on Twitter.

I know, it's beyond exciting. It's a must have internet feature if you want to get text updates about my life such as:

What kind of sandwich I'm eating today
That I'm feeling sleepy
My reply to @whoeverthefuck that their youtube link was loltastic

How the fuck can you sleep at night without knowing this kind of vital information? I dare say that you cannot! So stop being an asshole and sign up. And hey, if you seem even remotely interesting, maybe I'll follow you too.

Since I'm mentioning the e-Community, I'm calling out all of my fellow duelers. That's right, I'm talking to you, kid with the kind of lazy eye that everyone has been too nice to ever make fun of you for.

I can't come up with all of these awesome duels on my own. Sometimes I need assistance from people who give me brilliant duel opportunities (Cir, Nate) or people who have no idea what they're talking about and need to be put in their place (Justin, Jake). So if you have an idea for a duel, leave me a comment or send me your idea on Twitter or facebook. And hey, if I use your idea, I'll even reimburse you for a small % of the revenue this site makes.

One last thing I wanted to bring up is that it's been brought to my attention that maybe having such a scathingly incendiary blog as this one may be detrimental in my future career as a doctor. See, apparently places of employment are scoping out potential employees, scouring through their facebooks, myspaces and blogs, looking to see if the person they're about to hire is a borderline alcoholic or Satan worshiper or something. So if anyone asks, my name is Todd and I go to OSU.

I think that whole thing sounds kind of paranoid anyway. Of course, it was my mom who told me about it, so it probably is just pretty paranoid.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, my mother reads Beast Duels. Which is kind of uncomfortable, knowing that she's read posts about me wanting to have a 3way with Megan Fox and Jessica Alba. But at the same time...

...look at how hot she is. It would be an insult to Megan* if I didn't mention wanting to hit that.

Shit, I would do horrible, horrible things to sleep with her. Unforgivable things. Nations would crumble. I'm not proud**.

I can't believe Shia-LeBouf-or-however-the-fuck-you-spell-it got to make out with her. Remember Transformers? The movie about alien robots flying to earth to take over our machines, where mechanical creatures morph into cell phones and giant cube-things control their lives? Well even with all of that shit, the most unrealistic part of the movie was that a hottie like Megan Fox would ever go for a geeky douche like Shia.

Unfuckingbelievable.

Man. Now I'm kinda pissed off. Somebody give me a duel to cheer me up.
--Nick

*First name basis.
**I would be really, really fucking proud.

Nick Vs. Some Douche

2009-03-29T15:30:00.007-04:00

It's currently a lazy Sunday, raining, and the last day of Spring Break. Perfect day to go see a movie.

Unfortunately, it's March which means every movie in theaters right now probably sucks whale cock.

They have those, right?

Anyways, I was really excited for Watchmen to come out after having read the book and seeing the trailer with the awesome Smashing Pumpkins song. But then it came out and I still haven't seen it.

Maybe the Smashing Pumpkins song also being in Batman and Robin somehow conditioned me to want to stay away from anything associated with that song. Seriously, that movie was gayer than going to see Milk with Clay Aiken.

I don't think that's it, though; I'm not really the type to hold a grudge, right?

I'm pretty sure the reason I still haven't gone to see Watchmen can be summed up in two words, equaling one gigantic douche: Zack Snyder.

Right now, you're probably saying to yourself "Who the fuck is that? It looks like the genetically engineered gay love-child of Dexter and Seth Meyers."

IF FUCKING ONLY. At least then we'd be provided with Weekend-Update-hilarity while simultaneously having vigilante justice being enacted on those who managed to escape the worthless bitchslap of the law.

But no, Zack Snyder is the moron behind such abysmal films as 300. This asshole took an awesome graphic novel and great cinematography and somehow managed to end up with one of the most detestable movies ever made. I think this movie was the first time I ever rolled my eyes at a sex scene. That should speak volumes.

It is literally impossible for anyone to like this movie and have an above average IQ. There's just no goddamn way.

Zack Snyder's been on my shit list before 300 came out though. Why?

Because that dumb motherfucker thought he was so important that he should remake Dawn of the Dead.

What the fuck would ever make him think that's a good idea? Like it could be improved upon or something?

What the hell Zack Snyder, you arrogant little prick. You think you're so goddamn important that you can go around and just remake whatever you want? You asshole. This isn't fucking Death Race that you remade, it was a horror movie classic. Jesus fucking christ, you don't mess with the classics. I mean think about it. It's not like there's someone out there that's so delusional and arrogant that they're gonna remake the fucking Bible or something.

So the eternal struggle continues. Am I in the mood to see the fantastic tale of washed up superheroes, corruption, and betrayal... get anally violated by arguably the worst director of this generation?

Only time will tell. The only thing I'm sure of is this: the outcome of Beast Duels vs. Zack Snyder. I shouldn't need to elaborate. Let's just say if his career was a person, I'd kick it in the face and then drown it in a kiddie pool filled with its own blood.

God I hate that guy.

Later bitches,
Nick

Jaguar Vs. Snake

2009-03-23T21:47:00.008-04:00

Woooo more spring break! You know what that means...

More dueling. Who could ask for anything more, amirite? Let's get right to it.

The Competitors: 200 lb Jaguar vs. 300 lb Snake

Wait a minute. A jungle cat fighting a snake? This seems oddly familiar, doesn't it? I can't quite put my finger on it...

Oh, right, right. That. How did that turn out in animated form?

I think having your entire body contract scoliosis pretty much means you lost, Kaa. So we've got the opinion of Disney, but you know what? Fuck Disney. We beast duel the old-fashioned way, don't we? So we're going to witness this beast duel ourselves; you can eat your heart out, Rudyard Kipling. Yeah, I'm talking to you, you dead racist douche.

Let's just analyze the different styles of fighting these two creatures will tend to employ. One will be coming out with bites and scratches; the other with vicious choke-holds and strangulation.

Actually, that sounds kinda like what Spring break's been like for me, if you catch my drift*.

Annnnyways, back to the duel. You kids should feel lucky today. Privileged, even. Because I have a fucking awesome gift for you. What could it possibly be?

It's video of this duel! And not just any video. Video with awful narration but the most fucking epic soundtrack that filmstrips from the 1950's can provide. Let's check this shit out.

That jaguar pretty much kicked ass. Narrator-dude says he was at risk of being choked to death or something, but I don't think he has any idea what he's talking about. Sir David Attenborough would've definitely done a better job.

So kudos to you, giant kitty. You managed to take down a creature that severely outweighed you and had no arms. I only hope that someday if I'm ever in a skirmish with a 400 pounded handicapped guy, I can thrive with a similar flair.

Til next time,
Nick

*c'mon. Think about it dummy.

Back To Dueling

2009-03-22T15:08:00.007-04:00

So I wake up this morning and the whole world's a little foggy. Spring break, bitches! I'm all like Miami Beach or Tijuana up in this bee-snatch, only I'm actually in sunny-fucking-Akron, Ohio. Home of LeBron James!!!! Woooo!1!!!

He totally throws the 3D version of a circle into the 2D version of a circle better than almost every other tall guy out there. I'm seriously proud to be from this place just because of him. I mean, we must have so much in common just because we have lived in the same city. I bet he's even gotten flat tires driving down Portage Path because the mayor is a'ight with leaving potholes the size of Sarah Jessica Parker's nose in the streets.

Christ, the mayor. What an asshole. After 9/11, he sent fliers out door-to-door saying that campaign finance reform fuels terrorism*. I think he actually meant poor people, but hey, it's not like either demographic is going to donate in excess of the $300 legally allowed like other people so what's the fucking diff anyway, right Plusquellic?

But I digress. I wake up this morning and check out my phone and the following note is written in it:

Killer whale vs 3 alligators

Incredible. It's like I just drink and someone else does the work for me**. Let's dive right in***.

The Competitors: Killer Whale vs. Three Alligators

The Duel: Battle Royale: Fight to the Death

The Setting: I dunno. Watery something.

Killer Whale Facts:

Aka "Orca", "Blackfish" or the totally badass "Seawolf"
Super cuddly in plush Shamu form, sometimes go manhunting in non-plush form
Weigh about six tons

Alligator Facts:
I'm not even gonna bother. I mean, sometimes I think alligators are pretty hardcore. Like the time they jacked the shit out of a wildebeest. That was pretty nuts.

But other times, alligators are gigantic vaginas. Like that time they got bitched out by maybe the snuggliest creature known to mankind.

Seriously, this shit is no contest. The fifteen otters have a better shot against the Seawolf.

The Winner: Killer whale.

And it's not even close.

It's got killer in its name, for fuck's sake. This one isn't even open for discussion people.

It's spring break, so I'll see you soon.
--Nick

* this is 100% true
**thanks for the idea Nate
*** pun was also for Nate

Chris Brown Vs. Rihanna

2009-03-13T21:50:00.000-04:00

Lol, jk.

Seriously, what kind of asshole do you people think I am?

25 Things

2009-03-07T15:34:00.002-05:00

I keep reading this shit in my Facebook feed:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

It's like a fucking chain-letter gone awry that I can't even ignore. Seriously. My stupid feed is chock-full of that shit.

Anyways, I'm bored and uninspired so I'm going to name things until I either reach 25, or get bored. I'm also not tagging any of you, because I don't want to know more about you. You're here on my blog, where the focus is on me. If you can't deal with that, move to fucking Russia.

There are nations that worship Beast Duels as a deity. All other nations will crumble and are doomed to eternal damnation.
I check Justin's blog hourly and telepathically remind him I'm an exponentially better blogger than he is.
A hooker in Atlantic City refused to have her picture taken with me.
She kinda looked like this:
I could probably play some guitar like Dave Matthews or Jack Johnson or some shit if I wanted to, but I don't do it because I'm not a douchebag.
Not to keep harping on how awful M. "Night" Shyamalan is, but if that cocksucker wanted to make a movie with a crazy plot-twist ending, what he should do is when the movie ends, have it not suck. Or fuck it, just not make me want to kill myself.
I'm aware these are all supposed to be about me. I'm willing to deal with the consequences of disobeying chain letters. I got a bomb-shelter to hide out in, just in case. Don't worry about me, bitches.
Remember when the dude on the ten dollar bill got shot? That shit is like beast duels, American History style.
I wish that pandas got pissed off more often. That'd really spice shit up around here.
If I found a baby T. rex, I'd totally keep it and be willing to face the consequences of raising it poorly.
I'd have no idea who the hell Kim Kardashian is if she didn't videotape herself getting fucked.
How terrible are people who think the movie Crash was good? I know you won't answer, so I'll tell you: really fucking terrible. That movie is so awful. It's like Love Actually, but they replaced Keira Knightley with racism.
Justin and Jake have continued to share their poor Beast Dueling skills by trying to posit that a zombie could defeat its weight in bees. I'm not gonna even bother justifying their poor opinions with my logic behind my decree. Let's just say I know for a fact that they're wrong. I'm not legally allowed to disclose any more than that.
How fucking hilarious is tetanus?
I can't believe you people are really reading all this.
If you've ever seen a picture of HPV in a male, it basically looks like someone fucked a jar of strawberry jelly.
It's not often that I want to be the ocean. This is one of those rare moments. (may be not safe for work).
This dude fucking rocks.
So do these guys (on a poker site, but not about poker).
You're seriously still reading this? I'm not even reading this. This shit has seriously taken me like two weeks to write because I get bored every time I name something else.
I wonder if I'll finish writing this before Patrick Swayze dies.
"If you watch Jeopardy! backwards, it's a show about rich people paying money for answers to stupid questions."
I decided I'm against legalizing marijuana. Not because I think it's wrong or dangerous, but because if it's legal, a lot of people are gonna fucking piss me off.
This poster has actually found its way into being used in my day to day eSlang.
This was a waste of time. It seriously took me over a month to write all this. You basically just got robbed of like five minutes. Good luck trying to get it back.

Catch you dummies later,
--Nick

A Two-Fer!

2009-02-19T00:10:00.009-05:00

Maybe you guys read the news every once in a while. For those of you who can't, let me tell you what's going on in a segment I like to call "This Week In Beast Duels".

For this week's This Week In Beast Duels.... eh, fuck it. Let's call it "Beast Duels In The News."

For this week's Beast Duels In The News, we've got a two-fer for you guys.

Round 1:

The Competitors: Travis the Chimp + Borrelia burgdorferi* vs. some woman's face

Let's start with a few photos of the competitors:

Travis:

Borrelia:

That lady:

According to the 911 phone call, the monkey "ripped her face off." I've seen a number of beast duels in my day, but a chimp goin Buffalo Bill on some woman is pretty uncalled for. I mean, what would make a monkey go so bananas?!

I suppose that joke was in poor taste. Still, I can't help but wonder if a maneuver like this would've worked better for the lady.

Goddamn is it gonna be warm down there in hell. It's alright, stick with me. I have one of those mini-fans that shoots mist. And a lifetime supply of AAA batteries. Anyways, as much as I hate to admit it, round one goes to Monkey + spirochete**.

Which brings us to Round 2:

The Competitors: Travis the Monkey + Borrelia burgdorferi vs. A Gun

The winner: Well no shit geniuses, it's the fucking gun. The cops killed that stupid monkey.

What the fuck are you gonna do about it PETA? Huh?!

Oh. Right. Wow, those people really are fucking assholes. Of course, they haven't so much as once made a peep about this blog. Fucking pansies. They couldn't handle a blog war versus us. Seriously, what would they do? Throw red paint on me? Didn't they see what happened in Carrie? You really don't wanna fuck with that kinda stuff, PETA. Yeah, I'm talkin to you. I'm ready to go Sissy-Spacek all up in your shit.

I mean, I'm not gonna be a sissy, but... well, you follow me.

Anyways, PETA aside, I do think it was a little unnecessary for the cops to shoot Travis. Seriously, they know you can just treat Lyme disease with amoxicillin, right? I mean, Christ, when kids show up with sore throats, the doctor doesn't pull a snub nose out of his boot and let loose on the diseased little fucker.

But regardless, that's done with. We here at Beast Duels would like to wish the woman well on her recovery. We also hope that she doesn't let this horrible, unfortunate incident affect her psychologically for the rest of her life. We don't want her going around with a chimp on her shoulder***.

That's all folks. I'll catch you guys later.
--Nick

*Lyme disease, dummies
**I'm just using these terms so that my medical knowledge will for once actually be put to use.
***I'm hilarious.

The Swarm

2009-02-04T20:54:00.010-05:00

Let's talk about bees again.

Bees are a fucking Beast Dueling goldmine. They're small, they can fly, and they live almost everywhere*. I mean, the list goes on and on.

And they're evil. Real fucking evil. Remember what they did to that kid in My Girl?

THEY FUCKING KILLED HIM. A child! Bees murdered a fucking child. I never saw Akeelah and the Bee, but I'm sure they kill the little girl in that too.

Seriously, people talk about how evil Jack the Ripper was, but all that dude did was strangle whores. I mean, c'mon, who hasn't been with a whore and wanted to choke 'em a little bit. That guy just had the cajones to act on his convictions.

But children? For shame, bees. For shame.

I mean, for chrissakes, even Wu Tang has known about bees for over ten years.

We have to be on the alert people. I'm pretty worried here, because if the bees smarten up, we might be seeing this on the front page of the New York Times.

The Duelers: Bees vs. The World

The Duel: Battle Royale, a fight to the death

The Victor: Bees

Granted, we'll all be dead so instead of being written in English, it'll be written in fuckin honeycombs or some shit. That's not the point. This is a call to motherfucking arms people. We have to act, and soon. Who knows when the bees will evolve to be able to read the written word. And if and when that day comes, we, as a species, are boned.

Seriously bitches, watch your backs.
--Nick

*that matters

Leopard Vs. Crocodile

2009-01-27T19:15:00.016-05:00

Hey everyone,
Just got back from Nigeria. No, I don't wanna fucking talk about it, so don't ask. Nosy pricks. Maybe you should mind your own goddamn business for once.

Oh, the pictures? Right.

I saw some epic shit over there. And not "epic" like some 4-hour piece of tripe vomited out by Peter fucking Jackson. That guy's just horrible. Seriously, if there was a script called "Nick Knocks Boots With Jessica Alba and Megan Fox While Hannah Montana Assassinates the President with a Blender" and that useless douche directed it, it would be boring as shit.

C'mon. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy was longer than Shoah. Who the fuck does he think he is?! Does he think some piece of shit story about elves, gay wizards and haunted jewelry is more significant than the extermination of millions of people?

Fuck that guy.

No, the kind of epic I mean is the "awesome" kind.

So, I'm kickin' it in the dessert because, you know, what the fuck else am I gonna do when I'm "on vacation" in Nigeria. That Prince asshole still hadn't come with the plane yet, so pretty much the only thing worth doing was to stand around and watch the grass not fucking grow because we were in a goddamn dessert.

Suddenly, from off in the distance, a familiar noise hit my ears. It was the cries and gnarls of animal warfare. That's right, it was a real live Beast Duel.

Don't act so surprised cocksuckers. Act like you've been there before.

I ran (walked) over to where I heard the sound and was greeted with the following Beast Duel:

The Participants: Leopard Vs. Crocodile

The Setting: 20 miles from Still-Fucking-Nowhere, Nigeria

The Duel: FEAST Royale, a variant of Battle Royale in which the victor is awarded the carcass of the subdued, free to take it to its place of dwelling so the babies will have something to nibble on.

The Leopard:

Body length up to over 6 feet
Weigh up to 200 pounds
Pull that sneak-attack shit like velociraptors
This feline is also renouned enough to have the Mac operating system Leopard named after it, delighting hipster faggots everywhere.
This creature is also known for its pelt, often seen adorned by divorcees in their late thirties who don't believe in things like "safe words".

Yick.

The Crocodile:

Size varies by species from 3 to 15 feet
Jaws comparable to steel, but sometimes let birds chill there

Don't use moisturizer
The crocodile is also known for being hunted by that dead dude, being made into awesome briefcases, and starting their own genre of music.

Crocodiles also have the indignity of having the ugliest pair of shoes ever named after them.

I'll cut to the chase with what I saw. Needless to say, I knew who was gonna win the entire time.

Damn. Pretty fucking badass, and I'm not one easily impressed.

Until next time,
Nick

Hello from Nigeria!

2009-01-23T23:18:00.014-05:00

Hey everyone,
I'm in Nigeria right now. Internet is shoddy, so I'll make this shit quick.

By some crazy miracle, a Nigerian Prince actually emailed me and said he was having a brief money crisis and needed to borrow a few grand from me. Am I that fucking sweet that I'm well-known transcontinentally? I don't wanna say yes, but you know what they say about proof and pudding. They go together.

Anyways, the dude said if I could do him that favor, he said he'd repay me ten times that later.

Now, I'm no genius* but that seems like a pretty goddamn good business decision. I emailed Prince Barrister Azeez back to let him know I'd send the money. Not long after I sent it, he said he was having some trouble paying me back. I said "fuck it your highness, it's cool. I'll fly out to see you." I mean, shit, I've always wanted to meet a Prince.

Actually, not really. I couldn't give two sloppy fucks about meeting a prince. Not even this guy:

Or this asshole:

But fuck it, I was aboutsta get paid, knaamsayin**?

So I hopped on a plane

and flew my ass to Nigeria. The Prince is so balla that he said he'd even pay me double what he was gonna AND fly me back to the U.S. on a private jet. The Prince'll probably hook it up with some Cristal like I'm fuckin Puff Daddy or something, too. This whole deal's gotta be the best $5,000 investment I've ever made.

I better wrap this up for now. The Bantus are juntaing or something and it's really fucking with my wireless. Azeez better hurry his royal-ass up with that goddamn plane. Once I get back in the States, I've got some photos to show you from this place, so here's hoping The Prince gets me some transport before I go Idi Amin on his ass. And not in the weird, lazy-eyed, Forest Whitaker way either.

Alright guys, this is Nick signing off from sunny Nigeria.

*yeah right, like anyone believes I'm not a genius
**slang for "Do you know what I am saying?"

Blog Wars!!!!!!!

2009-01-18T18:49:00.001-05:00

As a luminary in the field of zoological combat, the world's foremost expert in all assaults in the world of Animalia, it upsets me greatly that there are some that disparage my good word.

Most notably, the offenses I am referring to have been committed by one Justin Cantoni, writer of the aptly titled blog "Things We Don't Remember". It seems that what Justin specifically doesn't remember is Rule #1. I shall post it again for those of you who are hard of having-a-brain.

This seems like one of those things I shouldn't have to do, but Justin has crossed the line one time too many, both foolishly criticizing my beast dueling prowess on my own blog, but also trying to piggy-back his own blog to fame and fortunate by referencing the very blog you are reading right now*.

So how do we retaliate fellow Beast Duelers?

THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW! A fight to the death, blogstyle!

The following are the top five reasons you should never read Justin's blog.

Reason 1. He still hasn't paid me what I am owed from The Wager. Yes, the epic battle between 1,000 penguins and one hefty walrus did occur sometime late last winter. How did it turn out, you ask? Well how the fuck do you think? I righteously declared one and a half years ago that the penguins would be triumphant and goddamn if I wasn't right (no surprise there).

He better pay the fuck up if he knows what's good for him.

Also in some unfortunate news, it seems that penguins have gained a taste for mammal blood. That can't be good. I'm predicting a Mankind vs. Penguinkind 2011 Beast Duel.

God** help us all.

Reason 2. He sells LSD to schoolchildren. Uncalled for.

Reason 3. He has this creepy mancrush on "Bear" Grylls, who has already been verbally disposed of on this blog. To paraphrase, I believe Justin's defense of "Bear" was the following:

The guy got dysentery***. Congrats, I guess.
He went inside a sheep. Yeah, a British dude inside of a sheep. Think about that one for a second. Now, I'm not saying that Justin supports bestiality. I'm just saying that one time he told me that he "puts the 'best' in bestiality." Fuckin pervert.

He also went to prove me wrong by saying "Bear" isn't a reference to "fat hirsute gay dudes" but "Teddy Bears." MY FUCKING BAD. I guess we should all revere some cocksucker because he was nicknamed after Teddy fucking Ruxpin.

To be honest, I'd prefer "Bear" Grylls if you could put a cassette tape in his back. Know what I'd play? Audio clips from Survivorman. Now there is a pioneer. Fuck you "Bear" Grylls. You're not worthy of eating the grass in Les Stroud's yard.

Reason 4. All the dude does is complain.

"Aww, it's cold in the wintertime."

"Wah, I don't get a second free coffee today."

"Boo hoo, I beast duel like a bubble boy whose only experience with animals is watching Madagascar."

"I think I know everything about zombies even though I don't know dick about them and thank you Nick for introducing me to the world of writings by Max Brooks."

"There's sand lodged deeply inside my stupid vagina and it burns whenever I go to the bathroom because I always forget to pee after intercourse."

Fucking woman. Seriously, there's no reason to read Justin's blog. If you want to see someone constantly bitching about their stupid little problems just watch Sophie's Choice.

Reason 5. The guy walks around with facial hair like he's French or a fucking artist or something. But here's how he really looks:

It's uncanny.

Anywho, to recap:

The Duel: Beast Duels vs. Things Justin Doesn't Remember

The Winner: Do you even need to ask? Beast Duels by a landslide.

Think of the children for fuck's sake. Be responsible. And remember, friend's don't let friends read Justin's blog.

Your brother in beast-dueling solidarity,
Nick

*Granted, this line is great

as long as this world is home to beasts, and humans continue to have the capacity to argue, there will always be beast duels.

**Beastduels.blogspot.com is in no way affiliated with any religious group, especially not the Mormons.

***Ed. note: I could be juvenile and go with a scatological joke here like "does 'Bear' shit in the woods?" but I'll leave jokes that aren't funny to Justin

Man Vs. Wild

2009-01-13T17:24:00.005-05:00

Here's a letter from a reader with a Beast Duel suggestion.

Dear Nick,
I was in Ohio recently and I saw you walking around and damn did you look hot. Is it too forward if I say that? I sure hope not. I'm a pretty girl, if that helps.

Anyways, enough about me wanting to bang your brains out which is obvious and expected. I have a problem that has a solution that isn't so obvious. I was watching this show on TV called Man Vs. Wild and was wondering who you think would win in a real beast duel, man or wild?

Your faithful reader,
Confused in Kalamazoo

Kalamazoo? Wow, I didn't even know I had readers in Antigua.

This is a great duel. Man Vs. Wild. The elements vs. homo sapiens. Of course, I don't think what this lovely young slut was referring to was literally humankind vs. the elements. She said she was pretty, but I don't think even a hot girl is that stupid. Clearly one day "Mother Nature" will win out, and we'll all be gone. Fortunately, in our place will evolve some kind of robot-alien-werewolf something that will probably be able to fly and have developed new kick-ass flavors of juice.

No, what CiK was referring to was Bear Grylls vs. the elements. In other words, although he portrays someone on TV who can tame the wild, is he really capable of doing so?

And this brings us to our latest duel:

The Duel: Man vs. Wild

The Wild: I'm sure you're all familiar with the wild. It's where the things are. You know, the wild things. Not the wild thing

or even the other wild thing

You're with me still, right?

Anyways, that's the wild. We know it well.

The Man: So who is this Bear Grylls character anyway? Is it this?

Not exactly. What we have there is a bare grill.

No Bear Grylls is the star of a show called Man Vs. Wild. It's on a TV channel of some sort that I don't care to watch because their beer commercials aren't hilarious. What makes him think he can tame the elements?

Member of the United Kingdom Special Forces Reserve as a trooper and survival instructor.
Climbed Mt. Everest
"he financed and accompanied a team of five Professional British Seamen* on the first unassisted crossing of the north Atlantic Arctic Ocean, in an open rigid inflatable boat. The team battled giant waves, polar bears, icebergs and storms."
Has his own outdoor clothing line.

Sounds like Nick has made up his mind, amirite?

Wrong.

First of all, great job on being in the British Army or whatever the fuck it was. The British sure have done a great job in the past.

Also, I haven't spent too much time watching his garbage show, but apparently people think he's great because he survives in the wild and drinks his own piss. Yeah, so does the crackhead who dances for sandwiches downtown but he doesn't have his own goddamn TV show. And come on, does anyone really believe he was that dehydrated and close to risking death that he had to rely on his own piss to survive? He could just as easily have gone "hey cameraman, toss me that Aquafina you got." But no, "Bear" is too proud to do that.

Did I mention his name isn't Bear, it's Edward? Yeah. His name is Edward Grylls. And he decided to rename himself after a slang term for a hairy, burly gay dude.

I'm not fucking impressed.

Also, the smug sonofabitch doesn't even stay in the wild, he crashes in hotels. I bet this guy can't even survive nights when all HBO is showing is Princess Diaries 2 and Son of the Mask, let alone survive the fickle, conniving cunt that is the wilderness.

So I hope that answers your question Confused. Gimme a call sometime. I gotta let you know in advance though, I have a business meeting really early in the morning and I'll probably have to leave while you're asleep. I would wake you up before I go, but you need your rest. But don't worry, I'll have had a great time and of course I'll call you sometime. This is just a kind of bad time for me right now, I'm very busy, and it's not you. I know you'll understand. Yes I had a great time(s) last night too.

Take care, gorgeous
--Nick

*lol, professional semen.

To all the haters

2009-01-13T00:06:00.002-05:00

In case you forgot

And don't fucking forget it. I will not be trifled with and my holy judgments are not up for debate.

Would you go to John Nash and tell him 2+2 doesn't = 4?

Would you go to Stephen Hawking and say "hey dick, I'm smarter than you because I can walk"?

Would you go to Heidi Klum and say "you look ugly today. Plus your hat looks retarded"?

I DARE SAY YOU WOULD NOT!

So don't come onto BeastDuels and tell me that I'm wrong, or I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Maybe if you shut up and get a little wiser, I might drop a compliment like this your way: "Check out the big brain on Brett! You're a smart motherfucker."

'kay, peace out you Big Kahuna Burger eatin' motherfuckers.
--Nick

Something To Ponder

2009-01-07T14:01:00.002-05:00

The band Bear Vs Shark should really just be called Shark.

Some friendly Beast-Dueling advice for the new years

2009-01-01T11:57:00.003-05:00

It's 2009 and you know what that means...

Oh. You don't? It means another gruesome and bloody year of beast dueling has passed and a new one is upon us. And since apparently there is a lot of confusion regarding beast dueling and the proper ways to handicap matches, I'm going to share a few tricks of the trade with you all.

First of all, I think we all need to keep in mind that what I say is law. I have never and will never be wrong about a beast duel. Now, is this to say that the result of each duel happens the way it does because I say so, or do I merely know the right answer?

It's hard to say. But either way, disagreeing with me is tantamount to beast duels suicide. It's incredibly important to remember this. You don't want to be at some fancy cocktail party trying to impress the whore you brought and have her overhear you get schooled by the hors d'oeuvres-carrier guy because you were too stupid to think that 300,000 bees couldn't take down a zombie. Not paying attention here just cost you some easy tail. So listen up kids, and remember rule #1

Rule #1: What I say is law.

Okay, we've got the most important rule out of the way, so let's get a little more in depth. What is important to take into account in handicapping a beast duel? Clearly, one of the most significant factors is numbers. Here's why:

John Maynard Smith (dead guy) developed a game theory concept called "war of attrition". According to the mathematical scholarly journal Wikipedia, this is "a model of aggression in which two contestants compete for a resource of value V by persisting while constantly accumulating costs over the time t that the contest lasts." If you're not following me, I don't know what to tell you.

Anyways, the point of this all is that in a beast duel team made of multiple contestants, they can persist longer and accumulate more cost over the same period of time. In layman's terms* this just reflects the axiom regarding "strength in numbers"

Yeh, son. Word.

So keep in mind rule #2:

Rule #2: Generally, there are strength in numbers.

"Oh, but Nick, didn't you have a post where one velociraptor beat its weight in Compsognathuses?"

You pompous little shit. Do I have to remind you about rule #1 already? Do I?! Go back to the top of this and start again, dickface.

Maybe you've never heard the expression "it's the exception that proves the rule." I don't really know what the fuck it means** because it kinda sounds like it's inherently impossible, but regardless, I'm always right so sit down and shut the fuck up before we have our first beast duel of 2009: the back of my hand vs. your fucking face. No matter who wins that, I win.

Anyways, I'll throw you one more bone for the time being as long as you stay quiet and watch your fucking attitude.

Rule #3: Winning is the only thing that matters.

I don't want to sound cliche, but close only matters in horseshoes and hand grenades, right? So if 9 lions fight 11 tigers and a loan tiger survives the match (this documented fact), it doesn't matter that the lions killed more tigers or that the tigers nearly succumbed. The point is that the tigers were victorious. Who cares that the lions just barely came in second?! Who remembers second place? I mean, no one remembers who the hell came in second in the Trojan War, am I right?

Goddamn right I'm right. I'm always right***.

Okay, that's all for now. I hope everyone has a happy new year filled with copious amounts of wonderful dueling.

Until next time,
Nick

*I'm stupiding this down for you
**I actually do understand, but since I'm sure you don't, the online literary magazine Wikipedia explains it better than I care to spend thirty seconds doing. Even though Wikipedia doesn't even bother to tackle the notion that there are multiple definitions to the word "prove" leading to confusion. I claim this as my first of a series of attacks on Wikipedia that will ultimately lead me to claim dominance to it, and subsequently, all of intelligent life on the internet.
***See Rule #1

To Bee or Not To Bee

2008-12-28T14:57:00.002-05:00

More like something's rotten in the state of Denmark*.

"Nick, what are you talking about?"

Shut up and I'll tell you. Jesus, it's like you've never read my work before.

Anyways, I don't like to get my news from movies, but in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, Marky Mark notes that all of the bees are disappearing and why this is important.

He's right and he's wrong. Kind of like his decision to become famous, but first doing it via the Funky Bunch. But I digress.

See, bees are important. What what happen to us without bees? We'd be doomed.

"Really?"

Yes motherfucker, sit down and shut up. So here's why we'd be doomed. Without bees there would be no honey. And without honey there'd be no honey nut cheerios. What the hell would we eat for breakfast?

Eggs. Yeah. Then as an entire race, our cholesterol would spike and we'd all die of heart disease. So yes, bees are important you ignorant little twits.

But are they in danger? Are they dying? Fuck no. What Wahlberg and Shyamalan don't seem to understand is that bees are tiny yet efficient killing machines. They can fly and have stingers. I mean, shit, if we had airplanes that had stingers on them, we probably would've won the Vietnam war**.

No, bees aren't in trouble. M. Night Shyamalan's just an idiot***. Of course, Shyamalan being an idiot is a surprise to no one who has seen any of his films that don't start with the words "The Sixth Sense". Seriously, did you people see the Happening****? You know how it ends? I'll tell you. The plants are doing it. Yeah, the plants are killing everyone. Plants.

I can keep saying it, but it doesn't make it any less retarded. Plants.

Shyamalan should be ashamed of himself. He should start paying back the American people $7.75 at a time.

Psh. Plants killing bees. That's idiotic. They NEED bees to fucking live. Ever heard of pollination Shyamalan? Or did you miss that day of 6th grade biology because that's when you wrote the Village*****. I don't think Shyamalan has enough respect for the bees. Which is why our first duel regarding bees will be as such:

The Duel: M Night Shyamalan vs. his weight in bees.

I'm going to assume that M's weight is about 130 lb. Yes, I'm assuming this grown man weighs as much as I did when I was 15. If he has a problem with it, I'm willing to fight him again. Spoiler alert: I kicked his ass the first time. He actually based Bruce Willis' character in Unbreakable on me. I'd recommend you go see it just for that, but I wouldn't do that to you. That is Samuel L Jackson's worst movie ever. And yes, I'm aware of the significance that has.

I'd spell out the rest of the duel for you, but let's be honest, 18 bees would kick the shit out of M Night Shyamalan. 130 pounds of bees is pretty unnecessary here.

I'll catch up with you all soon. We have a lot of work to do.
--Nick

*That's Shakespeare bitches, try to keep up.
**I'm looking at you, Lyndon B. Johnson.
***Did you know Night isn't even his real middle name? What a douche.
****I didn't. But that's because I'm a relatively smart person. You have yet to prove yourself.
*****I will never see this film. Spoiler: it takes place in current time, not 100 years ago. Seriously.

“Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse.”

2008-12-22T21:27:00.005-05:00

“Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse.”

Don Addis said that. I don't know who the fuck this Don character is, or what king got stabbed to death with pitchforks by his countrymen and made him the fucking leader of the free world and telling me what to do, but I for one don't like it. Not one goddamn bit.

Beastduels won't stand for being told what to do. No, Mr. Addis, you cocksucking snake in the grass. We're gonna fight back. Which brings us to our next duel.

The competitors: A snake vs. a mouse

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Hold up. A snake versus a mouse? Seriously? Some of you might be saying to yourselves "this is pointless. A snake could never lose to a mouse." Well you'd be right.

And by right I mean retarded, shut the fuck up and let me finish.

The duel: The classic fight to the death.

The arena: Cage match.

So this Addis dickhead is saying to never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse. But what about if you're up against a snake? Didn't think of that, did you Addis?! Yeah, fuck you. Maybe if you'd done some better research you wouldn't be retired.

So what does the snake have going for it? They're bendy. They're evil. They have creepy eyes. Sam Jackson made a movie about them being on an airplane. Seems like the complete package, amirite?

Wrong. Snakes don't have arms or legs, idiots. How the fuck could that defeat anything? Ever see the movie Anaconda?

Neither did I, it looked fucking terrible. Who wants to see a movie about some worm killing people too dumb to punch and kick? If I wanted that, I'd watch fucking Gandhi.

The advantage is clearly mouse here. Don't believe me?

Really?

You don't believe me. C'mon, you faithful moronic sheep readers of mine, have I ever led you astray? Besides that one time?

No, I haven't. The proof is in the pudding. I don't know what that means, so I'll just post a picture.

The mouse wins. But this isn't just a victory for the mouse; no, this is far greater than that. This is a victory for all of us as Americans. Nay, as human beings. Our victory against Don Addis. Don't ever fucking tell us not to be something again, you piece of shit.

Until next time, happy dueling.
--Nick

Annnnnnnnd We're Back!

2008-08-20T03:41:00.006-04:00

No, not this We're Back, you lovable retards.

Even better than an animated musical about dinosaurs, Beast Duels is back!

I've gotten thousands of emails asking me where I've been since December. Have I been off making a healthy living? Good god, no. Have I been out bettering society?

You betcha.

I've just returned from a seven month excursion-- nay-- extravaganza! I traveled around the world, to all twelve continents on the first ever Beast Duels World Tour (BDWT). I've seen beast duels that no other humans in recent or remote memory have seen.

I went to Antarctica and saw five penguins battle a dolphin (victory: dolphin). I went to Shanghai to see a cat take on a lobster (victory: one very bloody kitty). I even went to the savanna to watch three young lion cubs take on a hyena (victory: not applicable, sadly. Beast duels on the great plains have proven to be one disemboweling mess). I've seen bears, stingrays, elephants and baboons tangle with whale sharks, Cambodian youths, porcupines and the previously assumed extinct dodo bird.

But after 7 treacherous and arduous months watching Mother Nature's © finest creatures tear each other limb from limb, devour brain and bathe in spinal fluid, what is the most important thing I took away from the experience?

Bees.

That's right motherfuckers, bees. And not happy-go-lucky Jerry Seinfeld bees...

Not even the bee's knees or Burt's bees

Not even spelling bees or that sexy snow-haired piece of ass Bea Arthur.

Just regular old stupid ass bees.

Stay tuned idiots, I'm preparing to drop a knowledge bomb on you the size of fuckin Hiroshima.

Til I press the button that seals your fate....
Love always,
Nick

Ostrich vs. Kangaroo

2007-12-16T16:31:00.000-05:00

In this installment of Beast Duels, we shall be discussing a duel of biblical-- nay, Qaranical!-- proportions. It is a duel which has sparked a great deal of controversy amongst the duelers in Akron, mostly due to the fact that they are pathetically unaware that when it comes to Beast Dueling, my hubris is law. I won't leave you on the edge of your seat writhing in the cold sweat of anticipation; let's dive right in.

The Duel: An Ostrich vs. A Kangaroo

The Setting: An Open Field

Type of Duel: Battle Royal: The Duelers fight to the death.

Kangaroo Statistics:

A red kangaroo can jump over 30 feet at once. This is longer than the world record for humans, a species known for its horizontal leap.
Males can grow up to 6 feet and weigh up to 180 pounds.
Males fight by standing on their hindlimbs and locking arms in a boxing stance. They are also known to kick with their powerful legs and use their sharp claws to eviscerate their opponents. Eew.

Ostrich Statistics:

Largest living species of bird.
Can't fly
The red-necked ostrich, the largest species, can grow up to 9 feet tall and weigh up to 340 pounds.
Can eviscerate opponents with kicks from its powerful hindlegs (sound familiar?)

Hm. I see a lot of similarities here. Neither can fly, and both fight by kicking. Besides the not-being-able-to-fly part, it sounds a little like two ninjas going at it. So who has the advantage here?

To analyze this, we're best served by comparing the characteristics each has.

Kangaroos can jump far and can cool their body temperature with their spit. Ostriches are fucking heavy. Which would you rather have in a fight?

I don't really need to continue on here, but I will because some people are a little slow.

A kangaroo can jump. Great. Good for it. So can fleas. Ostriches can run over 40 mph; I can barely drive that fast (Asian).

Advantage: Ostrich.

Let's look at their kicking abilities: One is kicking with 180 pounds of force. The other is kicking with nearly double that.

Advantage: Ostrich.

(If you're having trouble following why the ostrich gets the advantages here, please don't contact me to ask)

Plus, look at this technique:

This is an easy victory for the ostrich. I know, I know, the Looney Tunes of your youth made you think that ostriches were big fucking pansies who always stuck their neck in the sand, whereas kangaroos were badass boxers. Life lesson time: cartoons aren't always telling the truth. Just the Simpsons.

Til next time, happy dueling
--Nick

Beast Duels F.A.Q.

2007-11-16T15:11:00.000-05:00

I've gotten thousands of emails recently regarding the logistics of this here blog, so in lieu of beast-dueling, in this edition I'm going to be answering some of the many questions the fans have been asking.

So what are the beast-duelers, anyway?

Beast-duelers are common, humble folk. They go to work, bring home the bacon, kiss their wives, and then match up beast vs. beast in fights to the death.

Who are the beast duelers?

The beast-duelers are an army of Ph. D's, MDs, veterinarians, underground dog-fighters and the occasional jockeys, who have devoted their life's work to an ongoing curiosity of determining which of two beasts will persevere in mortal combat. An honorable pursuit, and a service to their nation.

That sounds expensive. How do you afford that?

Unfortunately, Beast Duels has yet to receive any form of government funding (officially), although rumors have been circulating that certain blogs have certain lobbyists in a certain Washington D.C. working with certain Senators to get bills passed to aid Beast Duels with government funding.

Okay, okay, it's Robert Byrd.

Until that bill passes, Beast Duels has managed to receive numerous-- and oftentimes quite generous-- contributions from various organizations. In particular, The Heritage Foundation has contributed funds exceeding seven figures to keep Beast Duels continuing, claiming it is "man's right to take the creatures God created for their amusement, and make them kill each other." The 700 Club sent a similar statement to Beast Duels, but unfortunately with a much smaller donation. Odd.

Do you actually carry out all of the beast duels you mention?

The long answer is no, we do not. We are not inhumane people. We're not monsters like Michael Vick, pitting living soul against living soul in a completely disgraceful regard for the sanctity of all life. This blog, and the beast-dueling community, simply exists as a hypothetical analysis for the various methods of animal warfare and attempts to analyze them on a strictly theoretical scale, solely for the purposes of entertainment and research.

The short answer is of course we do.

Do you have any animals yourself?

My parents have two dogs. And as a matter of fact, I've recently adopted a kitty. Unfortunately, my digital camera is on the fritz, so here's the closest I could come up with to a picture of him:

I'm an animal rights activist. Would you think that Beast Duels would be okay if it was done with humans?

Funny that you should mention that. And yes.

How long have the beast-duelers been around for?

In some form, beast-duelers have existed since the dawn of man, when Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis pitted a woolly mammoth against her pet saber-tooth tiger, Bronck. Unfortunately for Lucy, but fortunately for evolutionary biologists everywhere, Bronck was slayed by the mammoth, and in a fit of depression, Lucille the cavewoman thrust herself into the depths of a glacier to be unearthed by scientists millions of years later.

The modern Renaissance of Beast Duels originated four or five years ago, in the minds of a group of precocious yet painstakingly unmotivated teens, over cups of coffee (or, as it is known in some circles, "liquid comedy".)

Why are there so few updates?

Because I'm busy. Fuck off.

Can you make me an administrator on the Beast Duels Blog?

No. This means you, Jake.

Is Justin really as awful at beast dueling as he seems?

No. He's worse.

In your opinion, what was the most significant beast duel in history?

This can be looked at many ways. Was it the aforementioned duel that led to Lucy's Plathian demise that changed the world of evolutionary biology forever? Was it something more classic, like a T. rex losing to the polar bears on Noah's arc? Or has it yet to happen, like the Avian Flu Virus killing humanity? It's hard to choose; it's like choosing one's favorite child. You clearly can't just pick the best-looking one, because the ugly ones will be the lonely single children who won't force you into a nursing home when you're sixty-three.

You're pretty awesome, Nick.

Appreciated, but that's not a question.

What does the future hold for Beast Duels?

Government contracts? Book deals? A Discovery Channel show, narrated by David Attenborough? Maybe primetime NBC? HBO? Film? AM radio?

Only time will tell.

Until next time, this has been your favorite beast-dueler and a man renowned for being able to win a duel against a flock of seagulls while only armed with a shattered beer bottle and a mad buzz, Nick Fulton. Adios everyone.

"The Velociraptor Rule"

2007-10-12T18:05:00.000-04:00

After a long and totally unnecessary hiatus, your favorite blog about animals fighting to the death is back!

In this installment, we’ll look at a three-fold duel involving one of the most ferocious beasts to ever have lived: the velociraptor*. Thanks to the research conducted by Dr. John Hammond, we have a very accurate portrayal of both the lifestyle and attack methods of the great velociraptor.

Duel 1: Tyrannosaurus Rex vs. It's Weight In Velociraptors
The Setting: Open field
Battle Type: Battle Royale-- The competitors will fight to the death.
Stats:

Tyrannosaurus Rex

The Tyrannosaurus Rex (I have coined an abbreviated version of it's name; from here on out, it shall be referred to as the "T. Rex") was roughly 43 feet in length and 7.5 tons in weight.
It could run up to approximately 25 MPH.
It had awkwardly small arms.
It was once believed to not be able to visually recognize movement; this notion was later discarded because that's a stupid thing to think.

Velociraptor

Approximately 6 or 7 feet and 33 pounds.
Three curved claws on the hand.
Can run fast as fuck.
Hunts in packs.
Knows how to open doors.

Alright, math-time motherfuckers.

7.5 tons * 2000 lbs / 33 lbs per velociraptor = 454 velociraptors per T. Rex.

I'm sure T. Rex is Latin or some shit for king of the somethings, but there's no way that this Goliath could take down that many velociraptors. Has anyone seen the end of Jurassic Park? And that was just two or three big as hell raptors.

This honestly isn't close.

The Winner: The Velociraptors

Okay, so a few hundred raptors can kill something. Great information Nick, where can I donate this week's paycheck to keep fueling your research? Wait, dear readers, before you ship me all of your monies, let's look at something a little different. Do you remember in The Lost World, the little tiny dinosaurs that tried to eat that girl? I know you do.

That little bastard is known as the compsognathus. I shit you not, that's what it's called. This brings us right into the heart of the second battle...

Duel 2: A Velociraptor vs. It's Weight in Compsognathuses.
The Setting: Open Field
Battle Type: Battle Royale-- The competitors will fight to the death.
Stats:

Velociraptor

See above

Compsognathuses

3 feet long and 6.5 pounds.
Bipedal with a long tail
Serrated back teeth

Alright, so we have 5 of these little guys fighting one velociraptor. This is actually a combat that has brought up a lot of controversy in the Beast Dueling world, which is strange because it's actually quite a simple victory.

The velociraptor has three clear advantages here. Any two of these would almost surely be enough for a victory, but all three makes it not even close.

It has the claw. It's basically like having a cutlass attached to your body. If the pirates had figured out a way to make this happen, they'd still be around today instead of being depicted in shitty films by Australian douchebags. Yeah Bloom, I'm talking to you.
It can run faster than I drive on the highway. Because I'm Chinese. There, I said it. Anyways, it's ability to run fast, coupled with the open field landscape, gives the velociraptor the huge advantage of being able to flee and recoup if things start to go awry for it.
There are only five. Usually I am a big proponent of the "strength in numbers" theory (because I'm a weak pussy) but five tiny dinosaurs hardly provides a significant threat to the livelihood of the raptor.

The Winner: The Velociraptor

This leads us to something very interesting to be noted: the velociraptor won with it's body weight versus a much larger animal, and also thrived in a duel versus a number of smaller animals. What we can extrapolate from this is what I've dubbed The Velociraptor Rule

The Velociraptor Rule: A group of velociraptors can defeat any larger animal if their body weights are equal, and can defeat any smaller animal even if there are enough of them for their body weights to be equal.

The physical attributes of the raptor make this rule pretty undeniable. It's a quick, agile, and incredibly violent creature. In fact, I would go as far as to posit that even the Texas-sized meteor that killed the dinosaurs (or was that the size of the asteroid in Armageddon?) couldn't even stand up to an equal weight of raptors.

Which brings us to the third duel.

Duel 3: A Texas-Sized Meteor vs. It's Weight in Velociraptors
The Setting: Open Field
Battle Type: Battle Royale-- The competitors will fight to the death. Of course, since meteors don't qualify as a "living creature," we have to assume that it's destruction is roughly equivalent to its death.
Stats:

Velociraptors

See above

The Meteor

Since it's unknown the exact size and mass of the meteor in question, we'll have to make a few assumptions. To do this, we'll instead look at the state of Texas.
Texas has a population of 21 million.
Since Texas is nationally renowned for being full of fatties, we'll assume that the average weight of a Texan is 250 pounds (yeah, I'm being generous, I know).
It's a rock.
It has no neurological, musculoskeletal or respiratory system. Because it's a fucking rock.

So how many raptors is this? Well if a Texas-sized meteor weighs roughly the same as it's fatty population (which, let's be honest, is probably a good estimate), there would be 160 million velociraptors fighting it.

This brings us back to the strength in numbers theory. Although a meteor is a very sturdy, strong, and powerful being, it's hard for it to withstand the scraping claws of 160 million raptors. This is 320 million claws for Christ's sake. And what's the meteor gonna do to fight back? Fall on them? That shit might disrupt the atmosphere for a few million years, but there's no way it's landing on all 160 million raptors. It's just not that skilled. In the time after it lands, the meteor is essentially powerless.

Again, this is a clear victory.

The Winner: The Velociraptors

And so, what we have learned today about velociraptors clearly shows that it is a legendary beast dueler, with the smarts, skills, and chutzpah to take on even the fiercest, most numerous, and most inanimate of objects and still leave victorious.

Clever girl, indeed.

Alright guys, until next time, happy dueling!

*a note to the fundamentalist Beast Duelers: a velociraptor was a type of dinosaur, a creature that was sort of a cross between a lizard and a flightless bird that lived roughly around 500 B.C.

The Wager

2007-08-01T21:29:00.000-04:00

Today's particular duel has invoked much controversy amongst the Akron sect of Beast Duelers, resulting in a wager between one Nicholas Fulton and one Justin Cantoni for the price of $100.

Beast 1: 1,000 Emperor Penguins. Adults are 4' tall and weigh anywhere from 44-99lb. It has a thick coat of feathers insulating its body. Their beaks are sharp enough to poke out eyes of predatory seals.

Beast 2: An adult male Walrus. The Pacific Walrus weighs up to 4,500lb. Thick skin around the neck ranging from 2"-10" and a 6" layer of blubber. Their skin is thick enough such that a grown polar bear has difficulty attacking them, and are in danger of being stabbed by their tusks.

Conditions: Actual-- Justin Cantoni's back yard.

Battle: Battle Royale: last beast standing is victorious over its enemy(ies).

So which group does the edge belong to?

Although some Cantonis are foolish enough to believe it is the walrus, they fail to realize the power of the strength of numbers. Fortunately, I (NF) am 1/2 Asian, and fully aware of the power of numbers, will win Justin's $100.

I know that the movie 300 sucked, but there's a lesson that still should've been learned here.

Assuming that the penguins are even at their lightest, their combined body weight still eclipses the walruses by almost ten-fold. The heaviest penguins will weigh 22x more than the walrus.

The argument made for the walrus is in two parts

He has tusks
He has thick skin.

Congratulations. It has tusks that can kill some of those penguins in front of it. That's obvious, and the penguins are entering this battle realizing that some of them will have to perish. But the penguins' beaks are sharp enough to stab out eyes. Once the first eye is stabbed, for obvious reasons, the stabbing of the remaining eye will be a much easier task. Once this occurs, the walrus can only flail blindly, tiring itself and slowly await it's fate. At that point, the penguins can afford to wear it down, either by continuing to poke in the eye-regions in an effort to further disorient the walrus (and an attempt-- feeble or not is unknown-- to destroy the brain) or they can attack other areas such as the gut of the walrus with the intention of eviscerating it.

So how likely is a penguin to stab out the eye of a walrus?

Let's be conservative and say that any one penguin has a 1% chance of doing this. That means by the time 100 penguins have been killed, it is statistically likely that one of these penguins will have succeeded in stabbing out an eye. The next eye will therefore be even easier to stab. So let's approximate that by the time 175 penguins have died, the walrus will be eyeless. How is a walrus supposed to-- both blind and in severe pain-- thrash merely its tusks and kill another 825 penguins?

The answer, of course, is that it cannot. It may take 500, 600, or even 922 penguins. But the penguins know that going in, and are prepared to win this duel. They have the heart, the swagger, and the courage to win; even the babies.

They will win this duel, and I will win the wager.

I've decided that with my $100, I'm going to buy March of the Penguins on DVD, autographed by Morgan Freeman.

Til next time, happy hunting.

The Classic Duel

2007-07-25T11:18:00.000-04:00

To kick off this blog, we're gonna take a trip back in time to about two years ago, when either Cir L'Bert or myself (Nick Fulton) started the beast duels.

Beast 1: A pack of wolves: The gray wolf lives in packs anywhere from 2-20, with the average being 8. Height is 24-36". Weight varies from 70-130 lb. 4.5-6.5' from the tip of the nose to the tip of the tail. High stamina. Can eclipse speeds of up to 40 mph.

Beast 2: A great white shark: 20' long. 5,000 lb. Multiple rows of teeth. Can eat up to 30lb. of flesh per bite.

Conditions: Hypothetical-- an environment in which both the shark and the pack of wolves can navigate equally (in comparison to their normal environment).

Battle: Battle Royale. Last beast standing is the victor.

So who wins in a fight to the death-- a pack of wolves or a great white shark?

The traditional answer, of course, was a pack of wolves were clearly to be victorious. However, this was under the assumption that the pack of wolves was a large one-- 15 or more. So what about the pack of 8?

My initial reaction, I'm ashamed to say, was that a great white would win. Upon further analysis though, that answer is incorrect. To see why, one must look at the scenario more deeply. Wolves are adept at hunting in packs; so how do they hunt a shark? Surround it, perhaps even using one of the pack members as "bait." While the shark is advancing towards one or two, the rest of the wolves can jump onto the shark's back, where they'll be in much less physical danger and will be able to attack more safely.

In this edition of Beast Duels, the spoils go to the pack of wolves! Congratulations wolf pack!